Learning Lessons

I have this joke where I always claim that I will never grow up and remain a kid forever (maybe I watched Peter Pan too often in my childhood). And for all my joking I learned a valuable life lesson today, I grew up a little bit today. Yet simultaneously I feel more childlike and naïve then I have in a long time.

When I was at school I thought that the biggest decision I would have to make for my future would be what I would study, and that after that decision was made it would be easier. I realised, upon completion of my degree that I still didn’t really know what it was that I would do with my life. And after a year of honours I had even more forks in my path, and no singular direction. At every step of the way I thought I would know what would be coming next. And the honest truth is I still don’t. If I will end up being a theatre actress, or a film one. If I will make it at all and end up lecturing of teaching.  If I should focus on writing for now or if I should be doing more auditions. For acting, or musical theatre of physical theatre.

And today I learned a life lesson. I learned how to make my voice heard within difficult circumstances and I learned that sometimes the result can be better than you could have imagined. I knew I needed to speak to a director, and although I dreaded doing it I knew I needed to do it for me. And the result was even better than I could have imagined. Too have somebody respond in the most understanding way when you’re dead frightened of what you feel you need to say was probably one of the most cathartic experiences of my short existence. And it was something I didn’t expect.

I know I will be in similar situations in my career and life, and I know that this time was probably the exception. Sometimes people won't react in a kindly manner. But I also learned that sometimes, if you approach it in the right way, you don't always have to be the one on the short end of the stick. Although I've been in the same circumstances before this is the first time I actually stood up for myself and the lesson was in that.

Maybe what I said was somehow true. Maybe I’ll stay a kid forever in my own way.