I’m not one for very religious posts. I feel that my convictions are my own, and in the sensationalized media of our times the content that I put out into the universe should bring people together on common grounds (which usually means laughing at me), not divide them further or spark debate. There's enough of that already. That being said, there will be a spiritual tone to my post this morning.
If you’ve followed me professional auditioning career the last year you will realise it wasn’t the best year for my career. Personally I’ve had a fantastic year and I’ve been very happy. My Masters Dissertation was submitted toward the end of the year and that saga still continues but I haven't had all that much acting work to do. The paid work I would like to do was on the light side last year. I’m blessed that I have great support systems. I’m blessed that I’m in the position that not earning a lot of money doesn’t mean that I don’t eat or pay my rent. But it doesn’t feel that great.
Then a glimmer of hope at the end of the year. A physical theatre audition that went really well and the director was willing to work around my scheduling. A call back for a big American advert. After suspending my life for three days to be ready for the call back I was cancelled via SMS the evening before the time as they decided to move in a different direction. Then I received bad news about my dissertation. Then in January I received an email from my agent “releasing” me from the physical theatre show. The last cherry on the cake was receiving an email for an audition and receiving another five minutes later stating that they didn’t want a white actress. My January had not started well. And this was only the first week of the year.
Still, all of this only hit me when I spoke to an actor friend on Saturday and he asked me what projects I had going for the year. Despite all the ideas in my head, the little plans I have, the things I want to do and projects I want to rekindle this year I was winded. There wasn’t much I felt capable of doing in that moment. I remembered saying to my mom at one point last year: “I feel like all I am right now is a housewife, and I’m not even particularly good at that”.
This morning I scrolled through my Instagram. I don’t follow anything specifically or particularly religious, but I have a lot of religious friends who post things from time to time. Between holiday photos, coffee pics and new beginnings I saw this verse on the account of a model I had worked with for 2 weeks some time ago:
It was the reminder that I needed. I entered this business on faith. Faith that God would take care of me, and provide me with what I needed. Faith that the choice to be an actress was more His choice than mine (I was planning on becoming a vet, not a performer). It was the reminder that no matter the punches I’m still here and there is a bigger plan for my life. Faith that there is still a lot I'm going to do. And that I can do it.